When our boys were young I never had any idea what happened in their classrooms.

Once they got on the bus they were in another world. It was a world I now understand a bit better, having worked as a classroom aide and a substitute teacher, in rural elementary schools, for the last two years. I wish I knew then what I know now: About how kids are treated when they act certain ways, by both their peers and their teachers. About how what happens at home translates into what happens at school. And about how teachers and parents often don’t understand each other, and how that hurts the kids.

When I was a parent of school age kids there were plenty of times I stopped listening to teachers who were concerned about our kids’ behavior, but there was one time when I didn’t. It was with our older son’s first grade teacher.

Our sons had a one hour bus ride to and from school and when this son got home the last thing he wanted to do was practice his handwriting. So, he didn’t. I started getting notes from his teacher about it so I went in to talk to her. At first the conversation was fairly contentious, but at one point I said, “I need your help, he is just so tired after these long days. I know he should do his work, but I don’t know what to do.” She stopped, looked at me with something close to pity but I realize now was compassion, and said, “That is a long day for a 1st grader. Maybe he can do some of the work right here at school, and do his reading when he gets home. Would that help?” Shocked, I answered, “Yes, that would help. Thank you.”

Those few moments literally turned our son’s school experience around. Not his handwriting I’m sorry to say, but his attitude. And mine. That afternoon, I learned that teachers and parents are not adversaries, instead, they are the most important kind of allies: The kind that can help the child involved succeed, at school and life. I also learned that I needed to stop defending my children all the time and trust that their teachers, coaches etc., wanted the best for them, just like we did.

Now that I'm not the parent, but the teacher, I see things teachers are doing in the classroom that I believe can help kids succeed:

* Seeing and encouraging talents students might not even know they have.
* Holding students accountable for their actions and following through with reasonable consequences.
* Being fair and staying calm, even when that's hard.
* Helping students deal with disappointment and difficult demands.
* Reminding students that (much like the Copernican revelation) the world does not revolve around them and that others need to be part of the conversation if they are to be liked and respected.
* Teaching by example. At all times!

Both parents and teachers need to be fully invested in this difficult work. It reminds me of David Brooks's extraordinary book on character, The Road to Character, where he encourages us to, “become strong in the weak places.” That is what teachers and parents should be doing every day, so they can truly help the young people in their lives.

And that’s hard! Both working on our own shortcomings, and holding those we care about accountable. Often, very hard.

As a young teen I learned about being held accountable; and my mom learned how unpleasant it could be to be the one to hold me accountable. I had gotten used to doing what I pleased but had never done anything illegal. But, one day I decided what I wanted to do was take the family car out with a friend. We were both fourteen without a driving permit between us. As I rounded a blind corner, I plowed into another car, totaling both of them. No one was hurt, thank God, but I was taken to the police station. Along with going to court and having to talk to child psychiatrists for a while, my mom took away all my plans for the summer. I was furious. Somehow, I felt I should continue to be able to do what I wanted to do. That desire runs deep for most of us. I 'm sure I made everyone’s life miserable, but I really tried with my mom. She just held firm. After that summer, I stopped thinking that anything I wanted to do must be a good idea. I actually learned my lesson. But I never apologized for the way I had behaved ( I have since) even though I now know that her firmness and love made the difference and was the best thing anyone could have done for me.

Teachers know this, at least about the kids in their classes. We are often blind to our own children’s weaknesses, but we must try not to be, for their sakes. It breaks my heart when I see a child trying to navigate their world without a parent who will say, ”Yes, your teacher is right, you do need to be kinder, or more responsible, or less selfish. It is the road to happiness.”

It turns out, the kindest thing is often the hardest. It is also rarely acknowledged. But your kids will know, at some point. And you will know, -- that you did your best at the hardest job any of us are asked to do in this life – to guide another life. Day by day.