How much is a box of donuts worth?

The other day, I took a box of donuts to some renters at our Airbnb. It was my way of thanking them for their patience as I mucked about in the basement, turning off their heat and water in the process.

I left the box on the front porch. I had gotten an assortment of donuts, not knowing what they might like. At one point, one of the young men stuck his head out of the front door when he saw me going to my car and yelled, “Hey, thanks so much for the donuts! They’re great!” He was eating a donut that I would never have chosen. Ever. It made me glad I had asked for the assortment. It also reminded me of how different people’s tastes can be.

In this era of intense disagreements at so many levels of society and life, I am grateful for my donut-reminder. When I think of disagreements and the variety of personal tastes and beliefs in the world, I often think back to my days as a campaign director for a U.S. Congressman. Up to that point in my young life, I had managed to avoid most  confrontations. But as my job included speaking to very disgruntled constituents now and then, I had to learn the tricky art of seeing the other guy’s point of view.

I specifically remember being handed the phone in our campaign headquarters one day. The man on the other end was furious. I think the issue was gun control, but I'm not sure. What I do remember was his intense hatred and anger for me and my boss. I knew my job was just to listen, not try to convince him. So, that’s what I did. I may have said ten words to his one hundred. By the time I hung up, he was calmer, and even thanked me for hearing him out, even though I never agreed with him.

Politics was hard, but family relationships are harder.

We often think of needing to be respectful of others' differing opinions and perspectives in the context of strangers, or near strangers. I know I don’t always follow the same inner-guidance when thinking of those nearest and dearest to me.

And that shouldn't come as a surprise.

When you've grown up with someone, or watched them grow up, you feel they should feel the same as you, especially about the important things. Why wouldn’t they?

But, quite often, they don’t.

A woman author whom I heard interviewed on a radio show years ago, pointed out that we can disagree with people and still respect them. It doesn’t mean you're compromising your own values or beliefs, just that you're acknowledging theirs have value, too, to them.

When I heard that, I felt such a sense of relief. It was as if I had been given permission to disagree profoundly with someone, and still respect them. Even love them.

Any universal truth tends to remind me of something I read or was told as a child. In this case, I am reminded of Winnie the Pooh. The author, A.A. Milne, has Pooh articulate that, “Everybody is alright, really. That’s what I think. But I don’t suppose I’m right.' To which his dear friend Christoper Robin responds,“Of course you are.”

I suppose a good way to start this brave new year might be to take Milne's gentle advice. To start every encounter from the baseline that everyone “is alright, really,” and then to remember the 'donut-reminder' : Not everyone likes what I like, or believes what I believe; and I can stick to my deeply held values and morals while remembering and respecting that others may feel just as strongly about what they believe.

That’s what a dozen donuts is worth.